Hi Friends,
It's been a while since I've blogged about my process. We had such a long reprieve from doctors and treatment it almost felt like life was returning to some resemblance of "normal". It's been great to feel so good and pretty much back to living. With being cleared of the fungus threat we needed to return to the chemo treatment. I think Gabriela expressed the difficulty emotionally that decision was for us, but it seemed the best decision in light of the history of this cancer. So we have been back on the plan for two weeks and seeing the typical complications.
I really don't know what to write. I what to stay in touch with friends and really desire the prayer support that we felt so carried by during the critical periods of the fungus and operations. Because my health has been good, we have lost touch with many friends through the blog because we haven't consistently updated it. I trust the Lord with stir in people the need to pray as we enter this new chapter.
I would like to share a little of my mental and spiritual process. It seems difficult for me to stay "connected" spiritually and emotionally to my faith when feeling physically bad. I seem to get consumed with just enduring the situation. I feel lost to know how to pray and as I pray I feel very alone. I have been trying to understand this. It's not that I don't have faith or that I question God's love, presence, or faithfulness, but the really of these things feels detacted from my reality. So I am trying to mentally recite the truth I know and separate that from my reality. My reality doesn't determine reality. I think I have been living my faith based on how my reality aligns to what is true of God and allowing that to determine the quality or connectedness to God. I am sensing that I need to live outside my reality and accept the reality of God apart from my experience. Does this make any sense? I vaguely see that this adjustment is essential to "faith" in it's truest meaning. Believing God in spite of what I feel or am experiencing - whether it aligns with my experience. Some might call this "blind faith", but I am seeing it as a truer understanding of what it means to believe God based on His Word. Again, I vaguely am seeing my health issues as a means to develop an understanding of God and what it means to walk with God when life seems so contrary.
Something else that I am realizing at a deeper level is that God's presence is given through people. I want God to meet me, commune with me, speak to me, and when I don't sense that, I retreat to self flagellation and doubt. The reality is God speaks, encourages, and expresses Himself through people. Last week in the mist of feeling sick and alone, wrestling with accepting that this will be our life over the next year or so, two elders of our church called and wanted to meet me to pray. As I share my feeling and God's seeming distance, I realized that God was meeting my need - not in the way I preferred it- between Him and I so I could coup alone with life, but by heightening my lonilness and bringing these men to express his love in community. I'm the Community Life Pastor and want to be community for other, but don't see how vitally I need it. It's been and will be an on-going lesson for me.
I have pondered and rambled enough. I hope that I have given a window into where I'm at and how God is using all things in my life for good. We are planning a week's vacation to Forest Home Family Camp next week. There are three other families from Trinity Church that we will join from our small group community there. Our kids love the Johnson family and remain best friends with the distance. My prayer is that the Kids build lasting memories. Presently I am co-facilitating a group of twenty men through the "raising a modern day knight" curriculum that focuses on calling boys into manhood. I hope to gather the dad's in our fellowship to spend some time going through this material.
As always, thank you and keep praying. If you respond with a comment, tell me how our family can pray for you. It would sure help us feel like family with you.
His blessings,
Kelly
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Hello friends,
Kelly is doing well. He seems to be handling the treatment okay. He is obviously tired and feels yucky (my word, not his description) a lot of the time. He has told me that it is his goal to not get grumpy as he struggles feeling sick.
He has had his first complication already. (this has been a discouragement for us both) After his spinal injection of chemo this last Friday, he developed a headache that floored him. He spent about four and a half days in bed because being upright worsened the headache. The headache was due to some spinal fluid leaking out into the injection site and when the spinal fluid is off, even a tiny bit, headaches occur.
We made two trips to the E.R. this week. The first trip Kelly was treated with an IV bag of caffeine. We asked the attending doctor how that works and he said, "no one really knows" Well, it did work and then Kelly was wired on caffeine so he started to walk home from the hospital rather then wait for me to come get him. Mind you, it is June, in Fresno, hot, smoked filled air and he has just left the E.R.. Can you say, crazy, caffeine driven man? When I picked him up he was more than half way home.
Well, the caffeine worked for several hours but the headache came back that evening. We went back to the E.R. and were sent home after no anesthesiologists were available. So... we went back this morning to the out-patient area and Kelly was treated with a blood patch and released after several hours. He came home, rested, ate, got dressed and off he went to get his radiation treatment, do a hospital visit and to work!
I don't know weather to strangle him or just appreciate and admire him all the more. He is an amazing man and I am such a blessed woman.
Thank you for your prayers sounds redundant but believe me that knowing you all are praying is one of the most comforting things to us right now. We feel Jesus loving us as He moves in the hearts of His people to pray for us. So, we are truly thankful.
Sincerely, Gabriela
Kelly is doing well. He seems to be handling the treatment okay. He is obviously tired and feels yucky (my word, not his description) a lot of the time. He has told me that it is his goal to not get grumpy as he struggles feeling sick.
He has had his first complication already. (this has been a discouragement for us both) After his spinal injection of chemo this last Friday, he developed a headache that floored him. He spent about four and a half days in bed because being upright worsened the headache. The headache was due to some spinal fluid leaking out into the injection site and when the spinal fluid is off, even a tiny bit, headaches occur.
We made two trips to the E.R. this week. The first trip Kelly was treated with an IV bag of caffeine. We asked the attending doctor how that works and he said, "no one really knows" Well, it did work and then Kelly was wired on caffeine so he started to walk home from the hospital rather then wait for me to come get him. Mind you, it is June, in Fresno, hot, smoked filled air and he has just left the E.R.. Can you say, crazy, caffeine driven man? When I picked him up he was more than half way home.
Well, the caffeine worked for several hours but the headache came back that evening. We went back to the E.R. and were sent home after no anesthesiologists were available. So... we went back this morning to the out-patient area and Kelly was treated with a blood patch and released after several hours. He came home, rested, ate, got dressed and off he went to get his radiation treatment, do a hospital visit and to work!
I don't know weather to strangle him or just appreciate and admire him all the more. He is an amazing man and I am such a blessed woman.
Thank you for your prayers sounds redundant but believe me that knowing you all are praying is one of the most comforting things to us right now. We feel Jesus loving us as He moves in the hearts of His people to pray for us. So, we are truly thankful.
Sincerely, Gabriela
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Here we go again...
Dear friends and family,
It is hard to begin this blog because there is so much to say and it is hard to know where to start. Kelly begins chemo treatments tomorrow. Actually he took his first chemo pill tonight and begins radiation and spinal chemo tomorrow.
You might be wondering how we got here. This is the long part of the story but a Readers Digest version is that after learning more about this disease, collecting wise counsel from many and with much prayer, here we are. Kelly feels strongly that the words of healing we received from Violet Huckelberry (see blog from Nov. 3,2007)were about the fungus. His treatment of the fungus ended 9 months short of what the specialist said it would and that fell in line with the 6 month time frame that Violet had shared with us as a word from the Lord. We truly feel that God has spared Kelly's life and now understand that the fungus should have killed him. Thank you Jesus!
As Kelly has sought the Lord in this, the Lord has been very quiet. I am amazed at my husband's courage, integrity, wisdom and faithfulness to the Lord. I personally am at rest following his leadership and consider it as such an honor to be married to such an amazing man!
Kelly's regiment will be very tough for a while and will last one and a half years. He begins with radiation every day for 12 days while taking oral chemo every day for 40 days and spinal chemo treatments every Friday for 9 weeks. It sounds daunting to us and we have no idea what to expect, except that Jesus will be with us every step of the way. Oh, how I love His presence!
I have to share with you all that as I struggled in coming to this point I told the Lord that I love Kelly's body, it's mine, I am one with him and although chemo felt like medicine this first time around, this time it feels like poison. As I poured my heart out to Him, He lead me to Mark 16. I vicariously opened up to this passage and my eyes caught the red lettered words of Jesus. He was speaking of things that are true of believers and in His list it says, "and you will drink poison and it will not harm you..."
Now, I told Kelly that I certainly don't want to make scripture say what I want it to say but, what are the chances that I would open up to something like that at this point in my life? All I can tell you is that it wasn't emotionally satisfying but my heart was filled with His peace. God's word is alive and active. What an amazing blessing to have it.
"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
We are certainly not looking forward to this next season and the hardship it will be for our family as well as our church family and the ministry, but we know our Redeemer lives and that He will faithfully walk with us. All glory and praise to Him!
Please pray for our kids. You might remember that last year we were not able to go to our Family Camp vacation at Forest Home, which has been our tradition. This was very hard on the kids because they were looking forward to seeing old friends that they desperately missed. I am not sure what will happen this year. So, please pray that we can go and if we are not to go, pray that their little hearts will be prepared.
I covet your prayer for our family, we love and appreciate you more than you will ever know.
Love in Christ, Gabriela
It is hard to begin this blog because there is so much to say and it is hard to know where to start. Kelly begins chemo treatments tomorrow. Actually he took his first chemo pill tonight and begins radiation and spinal chemo tomorrow.
You might be wondering how we got here. This is the long part of the story but a Readers Digest version is that after learning more about this disease, collecting wise counsel from many and with much prayer, here we are. Kelly feels strongly that the words of healing we received from Violet Huckelberry (see blog from Nov. 3,2007)were about the fungus. His treatment of the fungus ended 9 months short of what the specialist said it would and that fell in line with the 6 month time frame that Violet had shared with us as a word from the Lord. We truly feel that God has spared Kelly's life and now understand that the fungus should have killed him. Thank you Jesus!
As Kelly has sought the Lord in this, the Lord has been very quiet. I am amazed at my husband's courage, integrity, wisdom and faithfulness to the Lord. I personally am at rest following his leadership and consider it as such an honor to be married to such an amazing man!
Kelly's regiment will be very tough for a while and will last one and a half years. He begins with radiation every day for 12 days while taking oral chemo every day for 40 days and spinal chemo treatments every Friday for 9 weeks. It sounds daunting to us and we have no idea what to expect, except that Jesus will be with us every step of the way. Oh, how I love His presence!
I have to share with you all that as I struggled in coming to this point I told the Lord that I love Kelly's body, it's mine, I am one with him and although chemo felt like medicine this first time around, this time it feels like poison. As I poured my heart out to Him, He lead me to Mark 16. I vicariously opened up to this passage and my eyes caught the red lettered words of Jesus. He was speaking of things that are true of believers and in His list it says, "and you will drink poison and it will not harm you..."
Now, I told Kelly that I certainly don't want to make scripture say what I want it to say but, what are the chances that I would open up to something like that at this point in my life? All I can tell you is that it wasn't emotionally satisfying but my heart was filled with His peace. God's word is alive and active. What an amazing blessing to have it.
"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
We are certainly not looking forward to this next season and the hardship it will be for our family as well as our church family and the ministry, but we know our Redeemer lives and that He will faithfully walk with us. All glory and praise to Him!
Please pray for our kids. You might remember that last year we were not able to go to our Family Camp vacation at Forest Home, which has been our tradition. This was very hard on the kids because they were looking forward to seeing old friends that they desperately missed. I am not sure what will happen this year. So, please pray that we can go and if we are not to go, pray that their little hearts will be prepared.
I covet your prayer for our family, we love and appreciate you more than you will ever know.
Love in Christ, Gabriela
Friday, May 16, 2008
A Week of Questioning
Dear Family and Friends,
First let me thank you for your faithful prayers for Kelly and his time away. He will give an update on his time away on a later blog.
When Kelly came back he made an appointment with our Oncologist to talk about taking out his meda-port and let him know that we are taking his present condition as a healing from the Lord and will not be continuing on chemo.
Upon receiving his preliminary blood work back, we were surprised that he had lost an entire unit of blood over the last month and a half. Dr. Pascuzo also expressed some alarm over seeing immature white blood cells in the sampling (all possible signs of cancer). A bone-marrow biopsy was scheduled to determine if the Leukemia was back.
Well, what can I say... we were shocked, totally didn't expect that news. Kelly has been felling great, looks great and has been working hard. Personally, my mind was reeling. "What was it that the Lord had spoken to us and what does all that mean if the cancer is back?"
I had that old fear grip my heart again and then... I heard the Lord speak to my heart, gently and softly, "Hang on... don't loose faith." I spent a couple of days with a heavy cloud over my spirit but as I spent time in God's word, He brought me to passages that led to some beautiful times of personal repentance. Then He encouraged me with Isaiah 58. He lifted my burden and filled me with peace, confidence and a call to arms! I love how faithful He is and how very personal He is. I just LOVE Him so much!!!
My call to arms was to wake up from the sleeping state of "regular life" and remember that our battle is not against flesh and blood but against spiritual forces of darkness... God spoke my identity to me about three years ago and that is that I am His warrior princess - so the battle is on and I need to fight on my knees! I am so thankful for this wake-up call.
Good and surprising news! Kelly's biopsy showed that there is no cancer! He is still in remission. The low blood count is his body still recovering from heavy chemo and fungus medication. The count had come up a half of a unit in the week and a half between readings. The immature white blood cells were not abnormal. The doctor wants him to begin radiation and chemo right away and begin on his spin and brain. I asked how that might effect the fungus and we were told that it might get reactivated and then we would do both treatment of cancer and fungus.
You might be asking why more chemo if he is in remission. We have been told that there is still a year and a half or more chemo treatment that is standard for Leukemia and that Kelly must finish this regiment.
So our questions are many to the Lord. Is Kelly in fact healed? Will You please give us another confirmation Lord? Are we supposed to finish the chemo regiment? What will that do to Mucor Mycosis Fungus? This fungus, as you might recall, was located in the dura of Kelly's brain and if it crosses that barrier and enters the central nervous system, it will kill him. If the cancer comes back, it can kill him.
All I can say is that I am so thankful that God is personal and cares about these things and above all that He is sovereign and I can trust Him. I honestly and not worried (a miracle in and of itself!) and I believe that Kelly will live many more years on this earth serving the Lord and continuing to grow in his Christ-likeness.
Thank you for taking time to read this. I feel a bit awkward in sharing all of this, it is only my perspective and I am sure you are all wondering were Kelly is at in his process. He presently is on a camping trip with our son Andrew (Bass Lake!) and will be back in a couple of days. He will be writing his update soon.
We would still covet your prayers as we continue on in the Lord. I know our enemy is real and even more, I know that in Christ we, "overwhelmingly conquer". This life is not "It" We are a part of His story and it is much bigger and grander than what we can imagine. As for me, I am holding on to Jesus for the ride!!!
With much gratitude for all of your prayers, Gabriela
First let me thank you for your faithful prayers for Kelly and his time away. He will give an update on his time away on a later blog.
When Kelly came back he made an appointment with our Oncologist to talk about taking out his meda-port and let him know that we are taking his present condition as a healing from the Lord and will not be continuing on chemo.
Upon receiving his preliminary blood work back, we were surprised that he had lost an entire unit of blood over the last month and a half. Dr. Pascuzo also expressed some alarm over seeing immature white blood cells in the sampling (all possible signs of cancer). A bone-marrow biopsy was scheduled to determine if the Leukemia was back.
Well, what can I say... we were shocked, totally didn't expect that news. Kelly has been felling great, looks great and has been working hard. Personally, my mind was reeling. "What was it that the Lord had spoken to us and what does all that mean if the cancer is back?"
I had that old fear grip my heart again and then... I heard the Lord speak to my heart, gently and softly, "Hang on... don't loose faith." I spent a couple of days with a heavy cloud over my spirit but as I spent time in God's word, He brought me to passages that led to some beautiful times of personal repentance. Then He encouraged me with Isaiah 58. He lifted my burden and filled me with peace, confidence and a call to arms! I love how faithful He is and how very personal He is. I just LOVE Him so much!!!
My call to arms was to wake up from the sleeping state of "regular life" and remember that our battle is not against flesh and blood but against spiritual forces of darkness... God spoke my identity to me about three years ago and that is that I am His warrior princess - so the battle is on and I need to fight on my knees! I am so thankful for this wake-up call.
Good and surprising news! Kelly's biopsy showed that there is no cancer! He is still in remission. The low blood count is his body still recovering from heavy chemo and fungus medication. The count had come up a half of a unit in the week and a half between readings. The immature white blood cells were not abnormal. The doctor wants him to begin radiation and chemo right away and begin on his spin and brain. I asked how that might effect the fungus and we were told that it might get reactivated and then we would do both treatment of cancer and fungus.
You might be asking why more chemo if he is in remission. We have been told that there is still a year and a half or more chemo treatment that is standard for Leukemia and that Kelly must finish this regiment.
So our questions are many to the Lord. Is Kelly in fact healed? Will You please give us another confirmation Lord? Are we supposed to finish the chemo regiment? What will that do to Mucor Mycosis Fungus? This fungus, as you might recall, was located in the dura of Kelly's brain and if it crosses that barrier and enters the central nervous system, it will kill him. If the cancer comes back, it can kill him.
All I can say is that I am so thankful that God is personal and cares about these things and above all that He is sovereign and I can trust Him. I honestly and not worried (a miracle in and of itself!) and I believe that Kelly will live many more years on this earth serving the Lord and continuing to grow in his Christ-likeness.
Thank you for taking time to read this. I feel a bit awkward in sharing all of this, it is only my perspective and I am sure you are all wondering were Kelly is at in his process. He presently is on a camping trip with our son Andrew (Bass Lake!) and will be back in a couple of days. He will be writing his update soon.
We would still covet your prayers as we continue on in the Lord. I know our enemy is real and even more, I know that in Christ we, "overwhelmingly conquer". This life is not "It" We are a part of His story and it is much bigger and grander than what we can imagine. As for me, I am holding on to Jesus for the ride!!!
With much gratitude for all of your prayers, Gabriela
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Join me
Hello Dear Friends and Family,
Please join me in prayer this week.
No knew news. Kelly is feeling well. The reason for this entry is to ask for prayer. Kelly is on a solitude retreat out at the coast for the next four days. Our gracious friends, the Shamshoians, lent Kelly their beach house and he left this morning, bible and journal in hand. Kelly has been sharing with me that he feels a disconnect internally and wants to seek the Lord with this focused time away.
It is my prayer that as Kelly processes this last year, God would heal his spirit. I believe that God has performed a miracle in healing Kelly's body and I feel confident that He will be glorified through the internal work that He will do in Kelly's spirit.
Please join me in prayer for Kelly. Pray as the Lord leads you. I am confident in your love for Kelly and I appricitae you.
Love, Gabriela
Please join me in prayer this week.
No knew news. Kelly is feeling well. The reason for this entry is to ask for prayer. Kelly is on a solitude retreat out at the coast for the next four days. Our gracious friends, the Shamshoians, lent Kelly their beach house and he left this morning, bible and journal in hand. Kelly has been sharing with me that he feels a disconnect internally and wants to seek the Lord with this focused time away.
It is my prayer that as Kelly processes this last year, God would heal his spirit. I believe that God has performed a miracle in healing Kelly's body and I feel confident that He will be glorified through the internal work that He will do in Kelly's spirit.
Please join me in prayer for Kelly. Pray as the Lord leads you. I am confident in your love for Kelly and I appricitae you.
Love, Gabriela
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Fungus Farewell...
Hi Friends,
Well as we hoped, the fungus seems to be well under control and we are stopping the medication. The MRI and CAT SCAN still showed some pots, but they don't know if this is past scaring, just dead cells, or something else. Therefore we are going to stop the medication and see. This is great news and we are thanking God for this victory.
Still no word or sense of direction on the chemo, but we will wait until the end of the month and then decide what is next. I would appreciate your prayers at this time. It's just started to hit me that we can begin to live again. What I mean is, life felt on hold while dealing with the illness. Though I had the peace that God was going to deliver me, I still stopped in some respects progressing life. I don't know if I can explain it.
What was an uncomfortable wake up call this week was the realization that I have been living day to day in the way I parent, pastor, dream, etc. Because of this I have been very short sighted in my efforts. Now that I am coming more into the reality that I have some time, I am seeing the state of things and it is a bit overwhelming -- what I need to do to "get back on my game". I need to give myself some grace, but at the same time, I feel the urgency to correct these areas that are lacking. I am wrestling with shame, embarrassment, frustration, and inadequacy. It's a new walk or deepening walk of dependence and trust in the Lord. Thanks for your prayers.
The family is doing well. We have family in from Mexico and San Diego today and are planning a trip to Yosemite. Gabriela is dealing with back trouble that may be kidney stones (she has been suffering with this for almost a month). We are again looking to the doctors for a clear diagnosis to treat her. the Kids are well and on Easter break this week. Gabriela is making each day a special event for them. She's a good lady, wife and wonderful mom!
I hope this finds you well. We would love to hear from you and know how to pray for you. We aren't receiving many log entries and feel a bit lost on our friend's life at present. May you be experiencing God's peace in whatever you are facing today, and know His love for you. Have a blessed Easter Celebration as you reflect on Jesus' life, death, and resurrection.
His blessings,
Kelly
Well as we hoped, the fungus seems to be well under control and we are stopping the medication. The MRI and CAT SCAN still showed some pots, but they don't know if this is past scaring, just dead cells, or something else. Therefore we are going to stop the medication and see. This is great news and we are thanking God for this victory.
Still no word or sense of direction on the chemo, but we will wait until the end of the month and then decide what is next. I would appreciate your prayers at this time. It's just started to hit me that we can begin to live again. What I mean is, life felt on hold while dealing with the illness. Though I had the peace that God was going to deliver me, I still stopped in some respects progressing life. I don't know if I can explain it.
What was an uncomfortable wake up call this week was the realization that I have been living day to day in the way I parent, pastor, dream, etc. Because of this I have been very short sighted in my efforts. Now that I am coming more into the reality that I have some time, I am seeing the state of things and it is a bit overwhelming -- what I need to do to "get back on my game". I need to give myself some grace, but at the same time, I feel the urgency to correct these areas that are lacking. I am wrestling with shame, embarrassment, frustration, and inadequacy. It's a new walk or deepening walk of dependence and trust in the Lord. Thanks for your prayers.
The family is doing well. We have family in from Mexico and San Diego today and are planning a trip to Yosemite. Gabriela is dealing with back trouble that may be kidney stones (she has been suffering with this for almost a month). We are again looking to the doctors for a clear diagnosis to treat her. the Kids are well and on Easter break this week. Gabriela is making each day a special event for them. She's a good lady, wife and wonderful mom!
I hope this finds you well. We would love to hear from you and know how to pray for you. We aren't receiving many log entries and feel a bit lost on our friend's life at present. May you be experiencing God's peace in whatever you are facing today, and know His love for you. Have a blessed Easter Celebration as you reflect on Jesus' life, death, and resurrection.
His blessings,
Kelly
Friday, March 14, 2008
The wait continues...
Hey Friends,
The picture is of the kids and friends on our recent Disneyland trip. They really had a wonderful time and we enjoyed them enjoying themselves with the Johnsons.
I don't have any new news other than I had hopefully my last CT Scan and MRI today to verify that the fungus is cleared up. I will meet with the Doc on the 19th and know for sure. We feel pretty confident that the fungus in nolonger a threat. It is amazing that the Lord delivered me from what should have killed me. The cancer is still in remission and our hope is that I have been delivered from that as well. Still no word from the Lord confirming this. I believe we will wait for specific guidance the rest of March and if I don't hear from the Lord, we'll make our best decision based on wisdom. If this is the case it really is a crap-shoot. There is no assurance that the chemo will treat the cancer for good and there's nothing to determine if the remission isn't for good. Of course the docs say the remission will end without further chemo, but I should have come out of remission already. I hope the Lord will give me the specific direction to take.
So keep praying for healing and for the Lord's direction.
His blessings,
Kelly
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