Hi Friends,
It's been a while since I've blogged about my process. We had such a long reprieve from doctors and treatment it almost felt like life was returning to some resemblance of "normal". It's been great to feel so good and pretty much back to living. With being cleared of the fungus threat we needed to return to the chemo treatment. I think Gabriela expressed the difficulty emotionally that decision was for us, but it seemed the best decision in light of the history of this cancer. So we have been back on the plan for two weeks and seeing the typical complications.
I really don't know what to write. I what to stay in touch with friends and really desire the prayer support that we felt so carried by during the critical periods of the fungus and operations. Because my health has been good, we have lost touch with many friends through the blog because we haven't consistently updated it. I trust the Lord with stir in people the need to pray as we enter this new chapter.
I would like to share a little of my mental and spiritual process. It seems difficult for me to stay "connected" spiritually and emotionally to my faith when feeling physically bad. I seem to get consumed with just enduring the situation. I feel lost to know how to pray and as I pray I feel very alone. I have been trying to understand this. It's not that I don't have faith or that I question God's love, presence, or faithfulness, but the really of these things feels detacted from my reality. So I am trying to mentally recite the truth I know and separate that from my reality. My reality doesn't determine reality. I think I have been living my faith based on how my reality aligns to what is true of God and allowing that to determine the quality or connectedness to God. I am sensing that I need to live outside my reality and accept the reality of God apart from my experience. Does this make any sense? I vaguely see that this adjustment is essential to "faith" in it's truest meaning. Believing God in spite of what I feel or am experiencing - whether it aligns with my experience. Some might call this "blind faith", but I am seeing it as a truer understanding of what it means to believe God based on His Word. Again, I vaguely am seeing my health issues as a means to develop an understanding of God and what it means to walk with God when life seems so contrary.
Something else that I am realizing at a deeper level is that God's presence is given through people. I want God to meet me, commune with me, speak to me, and when I don't sense that, I retreat to self flagellation and doubt. The reality is God speaks, encourages, and expresses Himself through people. Last week in the mist of feeling sick and alone, wrestling with accepting that this will be our life over the next year or so, two elders of our church called and wanted to meet me to pray. As I share my feeling and God's seeming distance, I realized that God was meeting my need - not in the way I preferred it- between Him and I so I could coup alone with life, but by heightening my lonilness and bringing these men to express his love in community. I'm the Community Life Pastor and want to be community for other, but don't see how vitally I need it. It's been and will be an on-going lesson for me.
I have pondered and rambled enough. I hope that I have given a window into where I'm at and how God is using all things in my life for good. We are planning a week's vacation to Forest Home Family Camp next week. There are three other families from Trinity Church that we will join from our small group community there. Our kids love the Johnson family and remain best friends with the distance. My prayer is that the Kids build lasting memories. Presently I am co-facilitating a group of twenty men through the "raising a modern day knight" curriculum that focuses on calling boys into manhood. I hope to gather the dad's in our fellowship to spend some time going through this material.
As always, thank you and keep praying. If you respond with a comment, tell me how our family can pray for you. It would sure help us feel like family with you.
His blessings,
Kelly
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10 comments:
I think I understand what you might be saying, Kelly. Our own existential reality can be different from the reality (or should I say "will") of God. Otherwise, our own physical experiences would be all we could rely upon. However, we know there is so much more for us than our own present physical existence. My prayer is that God makes His own presence known to you in a powerful way: through your current fellowship/community and through a powerful sense of the presence of His Spirit inside you. You and your family are ALWAYS in my prayers, Kelly. And you are missed in Redlands by the Fitch family. God bless you and bring healing and understanding your way.
Dan Fitch
Kelly,
Wow, what a journey you are embracing. In reading you last post I'm reminded of the lessons that I learned through my divorce. I decided that the LORD didn't care & in anger I walked away from Him. The subsequent lessons changed my life. He brought me back to Him inspite of my sin. How much better are you that you remained faithful!!!
Love & prayers to you.
Berger
Kelly & Gabriela,
Thank you for sharing honestly and openly about your struggles. I believe that no matter how young or old in the faith we are, we all go through times such as you are going through right now. I have certainly been shaken over the years in my walk with the Lord...so many things I don't understand, but even if I hang on by a thread, I'm hanging on to the HOPE I have in Christ and His all sufficiency. Sometimes we feel so alone, but that is a lie from the enemy of our soul, because Jesus says He will never leave us nor forsake us. Read Duet 31:8 and meditate on that verse, ok? :-) God's children are moved by His Spirit to pray for people and often times we are the recipients of those prayers not even knowing or "feeling" like we are. I have your name on my computer, so every day I lift you up before the Lord while I wait for the computer to come on....along with a few others who have cancer. I don't think you need to feel as though each blog needs to be big with big news, just letting people know you're ok, struggling today or 'just pray for us' is news to us who are looking for something about someone we care about.
My youngest son was in an ATV accident on Sat. nite...very fortunate to be alive with no brain injuries.........had some deep head lacerations, 6 broken ribs, a broken shoulder blade, and a little bone on his upper neck is broken; his lung collasped the evening after he was out of ICU and they are watching for blood clots...so he is not out of the woods yet, but God has given him a second chance and he knows he is lucky and Jesus loves him....I'm praying for the strongholds in his life to be removed and to be replaced with the fruit of the Spirit......that God will receive the honor and glory somehow.
Sometimes God just carries us and there is only one set of footprints!!!
I care about you guys, love, Jackie Eborall
Dear Kelly and Gabriela,
I have been checking in on the blog for many months and tracking with you even though we haven't talked in awhile. Just wanted to let you know I have prayed for God to direct you about restarting chemo, and agree that this was a difficult choice to make given your situation. I have struggled alongside, asking myself "what would I do if this was me?" and feeling the angst. I will keep praying that God will show His mercy in the midst of these new chemo side effects and that you will feel His presence through the community that loves you.
I am wrapping up a busy summer of work at the VA Medical Center and will return to Point Loma for a new group of nursing students in August. You can pray that I would be a vibrant witness to my "flock" and would not only teach them to be compassionate nurses, but to show them how to walk with the Lord, too. Thanks, and my love to you both,
Monica
"My reality doesn't determine reality." You couldn't have said it any better, Kelly! This is Truth and something that we can all take into every area of our lives. So, YES, it DOES make sense. I appreciate your transparency as you struggle. It is hard to explain, but it builds my faith. Thank you.
Oh, something you can pray for us about: our family has really struggled over the last few months with all of the psychological/ medical issues we've been dealing with with Nicholas' medication changes and Tourettes. As you know, when one person in a family struggles, the entire family struggles. We're going camping for a week, and we need to regroup, dig in together, and find peace as a family. So, please pray that God will work in us and draw us even closer together, closer to Him, and make our family a place we all find strength and peace.
THANKS! :)Michelle
Kelly and Gabriela, We are still praying for guys. Kelly I too have been right where you are with the questioning I was diagnosised with ms last year and am in the wondering ohase my self, so what youa re going thru is normal. Hang inthere guys, He is there, and HE does care....
We haven't forgotten you guys..
Christy Wise (for The Wise guys)
Kelly,Gabriella and family,
We continue to pray for Kelly and your family as you are undergoing such difficult circumstances right now. We think of you both often and miss our special times with you guys. We love you guys and we know that the Lord is with you, he will not leave you nor forsake you.
Shawn and Noelle
Kelly and Gabriela -
Our prayers are with you and your family. We are so happy to hear you are able to get away and enjoy Family Camp. May your time away with family and friends be a true blessing and memorable experience. Thank you so much for continuing to share even through your trials. May you continue to heal and feel comfort in the Lord throughout this stage in your lives.
Blessings,
Clint and Denise Young
Dear Kelly,
I totally relate to your feelings of God's seeming distance, your lonliness and needing to trust God when you can't sense or feel him. I've never experienced a huge health issue like you, but during the past 18 years as a widow, the things you wrote are things I've experiencced also. True reality is that God loves you and your family and He can be trusted no matter how you feel. Life is tough. But He is greater than anything that we face. I still have those feelings sometimes...a lot of the time lately in fact. I remind myself that He loves me and has taken care of me and my kids all these years and He will continue to do so. I have to give Him my fears and uncertainty and be honest with Him when I'm angry or afraid. I encourage you to do the same. God IS with you. Sometimes the only prayer I can think of is "HELP!" My mind just can't think beyond that. But He knows, He hears, He listens, and He understands. I will continue to pray for you and your family. You are very precious.
You requested that you'd like to know how you could pray for me. Actually, please pray that I would qdjust better to the many changes that are going on in my life and my kid's lives. I'm finding myself very anxious and want the peace of God that surpasses all understanding to be my experience. Thanks.
Hi guys!
God continues to bring your family to mind. We pray that you are all doing well despite your circumstances and also pray that you will be victorious in this fight.
The George's
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